Week 3 – Marriage Tune Up Notes

During week 3, we discussed “Managing”. There were several things I thought were helpful from our review on the Gottman Method and from our teaching time.

Invite Someone

These marriage classes are a lot of fun when we invite our friends to join us on the journey. As you had a chance to see, we kept our time light, informative, and thoughtful. Can you think of one or two couples that would benefit from this time? Please send them this link so they can join us!

Register here.

Here are my notes.

Week 3- Marriage Tune Up – Conflict – Notes

Matthew 18:15-35 NIV

¹⁵ “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ¹⁶ But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ ¹⁷ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

¹⁸ “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

¹⁹ “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. ²⁰ For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Bible Questions:

1. How do you think we can approach a conversation with someone who has offended us in a way that is respectful and constructive, according to Matthew 18:15-17?
2. In your opinion, what steps can we take to ensure that we are not just looking for revenge or to be proven right when trying to resolve a conflict, as Matthew 18:21-22 suggests?
3. How can we show forgiveness towards someone who has wronged us, while also holding them accountable for their actions, as Matthew 18:15-17 and 18:23-35 illustrate?
4. What do you think are some common barriers to conflict resolution, and how can we work to overcome them based on the principles laid out in Matthew 18:15-35?
5. According to Matthew 18:15-35, what are some practical ways we can demonstrate grace and mercy towards others when working to resolve personal conflict?

Week 3 Marriage Conflict – Gottman Video Notes

Conflict Overview

1. Conflict is normal, and healthy.
2. Masters of relationship understand, when conflict is handled well, they can be a pathway for understanding your partner.
3. Knowing how to manage your conflict calmy and constructively are so important.
4. They can make a break your relationships.
5. Let’s look at 4^th and 5^th Levels of The Sound Relationship House

Questions:

1. How do you define the word “conflict”?
2. What are your general feelings when you hear the word conflict?
3. What has been your experience with conflict with people? (you can share about any experience)
4. What are the 4^th and 5^th levels of The Sound Relationship House? How do they apply to managing conflict well?

Positive Perspective

1. It is ideal to have Positive perspective rather than the negative. Perspective deals with how you view the world.
2. Positive perspective helps you give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
3. Negative Perspective, everything your partner says or does sounds like criticism.
4. Being in the positive perspective helps you to act and feel more positive and kind in your relationship.
5. You can strengthen your positive perspective by fine tuning your conflict management and looking for what your partner is doing right rather than what they are doing wrong.

Questions:

1. How and why are Positive Perspective so important?
2. Is it difficult for you to maintain a positive perspective? Why do you think so?
3. What are 2-3 things your partner is doing right? (No negatives here)

Manage Conflict

1. Thousands of couple show almost 70% of relationship problems are perpetual. Meaning people struggle with the same problems.
2. On average only 31% of problems tend to get solved.
3. A couple brings two different life experiences and views to relationships.
4. Calm dialogues are a key
5. Successful couples bring up their issues gently.
6. They work toward avoiding the four horsemen.
7. They try to take responsibility for their part of what is going wrong.
8. Successful couples call for a break when conflict starts to become too difficult.

Questions:

1. What do you think about the statistics of couple conflict resolution? (points 1-2)
2. From your own perspective and managing your own emotions:
   1. How can you get calm before a discussion with your partner?
   2. What helps you to avoid being critical, or blaming?
   3. How do you feel about Julie Gottman speaking to taking responsibility for your part?
   4. What do you think about taking a break when conflict becomes too difficult?