Week 2 – Marriage Tune Up Notes

During week 2, we discussed “Friendship and Closeness”. There were several things I thought were helpful from our review on the Gottman Method and from our teaching time.

Invite Someone

These marriage classes are a lot of fun when we invite our friends to join us on the journey. As you had a chance to see, we kept our time light, informative, and thoughtful. Can you think of one or two couples that would benefit from this time? Please send them this link so they can join us!

Register here.

Here are my notes.

Bible Passages and Discussion

Passage & Discussion #1

Proverbs 15:13-14 NIV

13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit.

14 The discerning heart seeks knowledge,
but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.

Discussion Questions:

1. How might these verses apply to marriage?
2. What is one positive encouragement?
3. What is one warning?
4. What piece of advice would you give yourself from this?

Passage & Discussion #2

Song of Songs 1:15-17 (NIV)

He

15 How beautiful you are, my darling!

Oh, how beautiful!

Your eyes are doves.

She

16 How handsome you are, my beloved!

Oh, how charming!

And our bed is verdant.

He

17 The beams of our house are cedars;

our rafters are firs.

Discussion Questions:

1. How might these verses apply to marriage?
2. What is one positive encouragement?
3. What is one warning?
4. What piece of advice would you give yourself from this?

Gottman Discussion

Bottom three levels of Sound Relationship House help create friendship and build intimacy.

1. Love Maps
2. Fondness and Admiration
3. Turn Towards
4. Friendship is the secret to sustaining love, romance, and passion in relationship.

Questions:

1. As you think of your whole life from childhood, what has helped you build friendships?
2. Some couples love being friends, some only like romance… what do you think about marriage as close friendship?

First level of Sound Relationship House (Build Love Maps)

1. Love Maps are about how well you know your partner.
2. Need to chart the landscape of your partner’s inner world.
   1. Needs, Values, Preferences, Fears, Dreams
   2. Childhood History
   3. Favorite Relatives
3. Their life and experiences as small as something like the tree they liked to climb.
4. Ask them things that help them share about themselves.
5. We change over time. Need to keep love maps up to date. Like knowing the internal home of your partner.

Questions:

1. How did you meet your partner?
2. How did you get to know each other?
3. If you were to plan a date to get to know each other again, what kinds of questions would you ask?

2^nd Level of Sound Relationship House (Fondness and Admiration)

This level is about how you feel. Even more important is how you express it.

1. Words
2. Gestures
3. Touch

Questions:

1. What does fondness and admiration mean?
2. What kinds of words help you feel experience fondness and admiration?
3. What gestures help you experience fondness and admiration?
4. What are the general types of touches that help you experience fondness and admiration?

3^rd Level of Sound Relationship House (Turning Towards)

How you respond when your partner tries to connect with you or expresses a need.

1. Couples that stay together turn towards each other 86% of the time.
2. Regular small gestures is the path for turning towards.

Questions:

1. What is your general energy level like at home?
2. How does Julie Gottman define a bid for connection?
3. When are the best times for you to respond to bids for connection?
4. What are the best ways to bid for connection with you?