Week 1 – Marriage Tune Up Notes

During week one we discussed The Gottman Method” and it was great. We had a chance to take a look at some videos and hear some teaching from Ephesians 5:22-33. There were several things I thought were helpful from our overview on the Gottman Method and from our teaching time.

Please Invite Someone

These marriage classes are a lot of fun when we invite our friends to join us on the journey. As you had a chance to see, we kept our time light, informative, and thoughtful. Can you think of one or two couples that would benefit from this time? Please send them this link so they can join us!

Register here.

Here are my notes.

There are predictions on what would cause a relationship to succeed or fail. Based on observing thousands of couples over 30 years, in a lab, video tapped, and strapped to equipment, while responding to replays of their discussion. Followed up three years later with follow up questions.

Couples were asked three questions:

1. One on a positive.
2. One on the events of their day.
3. One was on a problem they would solve.

What predicts the future of a relationship?

One: Remain Calm During Conflict.

1. Pay attention to your breathing.
2. Pay attention to your heart rate.
3. If you feel yourself starting to sweat or panic, take a break.

Two: Five Positives for every Negative.

1. Need to consider how one criticism or negative comment you share with your spouse needs five positive comments to balance it out.

Three: Avoid the Four Horseman.

1. Criticism.
   • Blaming problems on personality defect of their partners.
2. Defensiveness.
3. Contempt.
   • Blaming problems on personality defect of their partners but from a higher place of superiority.
4. Stonewalling

Four: Be Interested and Listen.

1. Express interest in what their partners are saying.
2. Listen without being defensive.

The Goal is to move: From Relationship Disaster to Relationship Master.

The Sound Relationship House

1. Friendship and Intimacy.
2. Manage Conflict.
3. Turn Towards Each Other, not Away.
4. Develop Shared Meaning.
5. Trust and Commitment.
6. Share Fondness and Admiration.
7. Build Love Maps.

Here are the secrets:

1. Maintain a strong and intimate friendship.
2. Practice calm and constructive conflict management.
3. Create a sense of shared meaning.
4. Establish trust with each other and a strong commitment to your relationship.