How to Have the Best Conflict Resolution Ever

Most people grow up learning to avoid conflict for a variety of reasons. Ethnic heritage, cultural practices, language or academic differences all play a part in how a person learns to interpret conflict and participate in it. Some cultural backgrounds are extremely conflict avoidant where others almost seem to thrive in conflict environments. 

I grew up in a Middle Eastern, Mexican and Italian home… Conflict was a part of my everyday life!

One of the blessings I experienced growing up in a multi-cultural family was learning how some parts of the family were very comfortable with conflict. I learned that for some conflict was an opportunity for a stronger and deeper relationship, whereas my wife grew up in a different environment. She grew up in a more mainstream American cultural family where conflict was seen as a threat. You can imagine the conversations we had when we were first married. 

All in all, conflict begins as an issue of a breakdown in communication. Somewhere between the extremes there is a middle ground where you can experience good communication regardless of the level of conflict you are comfortable with. Good communication understands where the tension is by asking and listening. When you know what it is you are having conflict over, you can either take responsibility or reject it. This process is best done directly. The following four practices will help you on your way to learning to resolve conflict quickly and effectively with your spouse.

#1 – Clarify the Conflict

What are we fighting about? Resolving conflict primarily rests on the practice of good communication. You have to know what it is you are upset about. You get clarity by asking clarifying questions such as… Where did things take a turn for the worst? What were you talking about? What was the trigger? How did you find yourself in this situation? How did the conversation evolve? 

Have you ever noticed how the conversation evolved from talking about something benign like taking out the trash only to see it become some two headed monster about how much you hate your in-laws? Maybe not, maybe it was something entirely different for you, however, one thing is for certain, the communication is key.

Clarifying the conflict allows you to discover what you are truly working with. This practice helps you identify whether or not you are “actually” upset about something or if you just heard something wrong and reacted. 

Practice: When you feel tense or on the verge of conflict, ask clarifying questions.

#2 – Listen Carefully

I cannot count how many times I have heard something incorrectly, felt offended by it and then overreacted to it. My reaction led to an escalated conversation that evolved into some kind of conflict that was both hurtful to my wife and unnecessary. One of the reasons conflict has become so difficult for us in our marriages is the pain associated with it.

We think conflict leads to pain and in many cases it does. The reason conflict leads to pain is because the conflict was based on bad communication. Poor communication can be easily defined by a poor quality transmission and a poor quality reception. 

Listening carefully addresses the quality of the receiver and enhances reception. Listening carefully can be called “Active Listening”, this is where you parrot what your partner is saying by repeating what they said verbatim and asking them to clarify.

Practice: When you hear something that offends you, repeat what you heard and ask “did you mean to say that?” Then let your partner reply without interrupting.

#3 – Take Responsibility

If you have experienced significant conflict in your marital relationship, you know the pain of a spouse who refuses to take responsibility. Taking responsibility for your part in the conflict actually helps to build trust in your relationship. When a partner fails to take responsibility for what is obviously their issue, it breaks trust and begins to create a chasm between the couple.

Some people take responsibility for their issues, miscommunications or transgression against their partner very quickly, some do not. People vary on this issue which can be very frustrating. My encouragement to you is to consider and communicate the benefits of taking responsibility for your part of the conflict.

The benefits are building trust, creating a safe environment, strengthening your relationship, builds esteem and reinforces compatibility. This is where conflict can be a great agent in relationships. The benefits that come out of a person taking responsibility for their part in a conflict are massive.

Practice: Ask yourself “Is there something I can take responsibility for?” If so, ask “How can I communicate that I am taking responsibility for this issue?”

#4 – Reconcile Quickly

The day I got married my good friend who had been married for many more years than me told me this piece of advice “Don’t go to bed angry”. For a while I thought maybe this was a bit of his own sage wisdom. However, I later learned this was a Biblical concept. The Bible teaches in Ephesians 4:26 that we should not let anger linger in our hearts.

This principle really applies to every relationship we have. However, since marriage is our most intimate relationship, it is especially helpful when applied in a marital relationship. The idea here is really simple. Do your very best to not hold onto anger.

In the context of resolving conflict, it is important to remember that it is easy to be angry… I’m sure you already know that. That being the case it is important to let the anger go. Anger only eats you up and poops out bitterness… leaving bitterness inside you. This bitterness comes spewing out onto the people you love. For this reason, seek to reconcile quickly.

Practice: Reconciliation is best practiced by asking forgiveness for your part then asking the question “where do we go from here?” Reconciliation brings people together so they may continue on their journey.

Now What?

I have learned to lovingly embrace conflict. I do not enjoy being at odds with the ones I love, however, I do enjoy the process of better communication, taking responsibility and reconciliation. I do my very best to keep those I love close to me. Knowing how to resolve conflict will only continue to bless and encourage you.

Marriage is one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have. Do your best to take care of if. When you do, love will thrive and so will you!

I lead a church called Orchard Community Church where we are seeking to build a community based on love, hope and faith. These three activities (faith, hope, love) will help you on your journey toward becoming the person God intended you to be. I hope you will consider joining us Sundays or online.