How to Have the Best Communication with Your Spouse Ever

I remember my honeymoon like it was yesterday. It was one of the best and one of the worst times in my marriage…

Best because I had just married the love of my life and was absolutely taken by her. Worst because we didn’t know how to talk to each other and our communication would lead to fierce arguments. We had one screaming argument on our honeymoon that was so bad we were separated by security at a five star hotel. True story.

So much of our love was lost in translation. We got lost somewhere between love and screaming. At that time I felt like there was no hope. I thought we were destined for these types of angry arguments.

My heart soared when I learned there was a way to fix this.

We have now been married for over 20 years. Yes we still argue, no, we do not despair because we have learned one of the secrets of a lasting marriage.

That secret is communication.

Communication is the heartbeat of a healthy marriage. Below I describe five different practices that will help you enhance your marriage communication. Each has a short practical tip on how to start practicing the skill immediately.

#1 – Ask Questions.

One of the ways people gain influence with others is to ask more questions than give answers. One of the best ways to connect with your partner is to ask them questions. Asking questions shows interest and attentiveness. This verbal communication helps your partner know you are invested in your relationship.

The trick is to ask the right questions. Here are some you can ask this week. What is something you love? What is currently bringing joy to your life? What is something you might want to know about me? What dreams in life do you want to accomplish? How can I help you accomplish those dreams?

#2 – Listen to Your Spouse.

Listening is a critical skill. It requires presence of mind, withholding judgement, and clarifying questions such as “what did you mean when you said_____?” and your ability to summarize what was said. Too often one partner in the marriage is trying to say something and the other is distracted by something. Good listening allows you to maintain a productive conversation which is one of the factors that lead to a healthy marriage.

With your partner, it is important to learn and intentionally practice listening skills.

Here are two things to consider practicing this week:

1. Presence looks like giving yourself enough time to be present. Meaning, you are present in the conversation and not distracted.
2. Asking clarification questions will help you get a better understanding of what is being said and help you remember the point your partner is making.

#3 – Give Honest Feedback.

This can be tricky, but is another important piece of building clear communication in your marriage. If you have not cultivated an environment where honest feedback is appreciated, the first couple of times you share your true thoughts and feelings may be received negatively. However, if you are truly invested in building a healthy marriage, the best marriage, you will need to cultivate a sense of honest feedback eventually. I recommend you start sooner than later.

Giving honest feedback is about your willingness to take a risk and be responsible for your own feelings. One of the best books I’ve read on this topic is Brene Brown’s book Dare to Lead. Check it out, it will help you understand the power of sharing your honest feedback and building a healthy culture of communication.

Some ways to give honest feedback are:

1. Asking for permission to share your genuine thoughts and feelings regarding what you heard your partner say. Asking “Can I share with you what I’m thinking?” or “Do you mind if I give you my first reaction?” or “I’d really like to share my feelings with you but I’m nervous you may not hear them?”
2. Avoid absolute statements. These are statements like “I don’t like what you are saying.” or “This is your fault.” Use statements that allow for you to change your mind if you need to or that allow for the evolution of your feelings on the topic. Try “I may be feeling hurt, I don’t know, I need more information.” or “I’m concerned you may be saying _____, are you saying that?”
3. Avoid accusatory statements.

#4 – Creating Feedback Loops.

This is all about creating a culture of clear communication. Without getting too deep in the weeds on this issue, I will briefly share how a feedback loop works.

First you have a person. That person then (second) encodes a (third) message. The message is then (fourth) decoded to the (fifth) recipient.

There are five simple parts of a communication process. As you can see, each part can be a place where something is either miscommunicated or misunderstood. To create good feedback loops, you need to understand each part of the process and inspect it when you sense your partner is not hearing you well.

In many cases married couples are not listening well to each other. This leads to the transmission of thoughts and feelings without reception of them. It’s similar to going live on an internet broadcast but on the other end a person has bad reception on their phone and therefore cannot fully receive the message.

Here are some ways to practice effective feedback loops:

1. Say what you intend to say considering how the person may best receive the message.
2. Ask the recipient if they understand what you are saying and listen to their response.
3. If they are unclear on what you have said, try again with more clarity. (Pro Tip: Do so calmly.)
4. When what is being said is clear, proceed to the next statement.

If you cannot get clarity, it’s time to see a counselor.

#5 – Using Non-Verbal Cues

Finally, non-verbal cues are a critical skill. They require eye contact, speaking with your hands, and maintaining composure. 100% of what you just read requires what is known as “non-verbal communication”. There are studies on how human beings communicate verbally and non-verbally, however the findings have been inconclusive. What we know is that non-verbal communication is a big deal. Big enough for someone to interpret whether or not you are actually listening to them.

With your partner, it is important to learn the non-verbal communication skills.

Here are some things to consider practicing this week:

1. Maintain eye contact when you are speaking to each other.
2. Physical Composure means paying attention to how your body communicates. Crossed arms can communicate you are not receiving the information but are potentially defensive.
3. Look for incongruent behavior. Someone may be saying they feel happy but are then physically expressing sadness.

There are several ways to build healthy communication in a marriage. My hope has been that these five practices will help you on the journey. One of the things I did not mention above is the benefit of being part of a faith community. At the Orchard Community Church, in Escondido, you can be part of a community of people who will join on the journey of life and support you in your marriage.