How to Have the Best Sex Ever
Sex…. The word alone evokes a certain reaction. It can be a polarizing topic and for good reason. We are in the midst of a new sexual revolution. Sexual expression has always been a topic of interest, though, not always in the general public. During the Victorian era (about 60 years), sex was a topic not to be disucssed. Since sexology was established by Dr. Alfred Kinsey, our society has become more and more open to how the topic of sex is communicated.
The topic of sex is an interesting one. Most young married men are eager to learn how to have th best sex ever while many young women are in a bit of a different boat. Their desire is often simply to please their husband.
The truth is sex is more than a physical activity.
The sexual experience between a married couple is special and sacred. Many couples desire to have a healthy sexual relationship but struggle to figure out how to do so. Much of the struggle revolves around a general lack of health in their physical relationship, a lack of emotional intimacy, a lack of trust and a lack of a sense of honor for each other.
This article deals with four major issues concerning how to develop a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Please take into consideration this article assumes you or your spouse are not dealing with physical or mental impairment and are capable of a healthy sexual experience. The hope here is to help you develop the context for which you can experience the best sex ever.
#1 – Building a genuine physical relationship
It all begins with eye contact! In fact there are several stages in a physical relationship. The process begins with eye to body contact, then eye to eye, then voice to voice, hand to hand, arm to shoulder, arm to waist, mouth to mouth, ending with intercourse.
The most important thing to catch here is the fact that there is a process happening. Too many times we are not paying attention to the process of physical intimacy all the while expecting sexual intimacy in our marriages. My suggestion to you is to begin with a foot rub.
Back or foot rubs must be about serving your partner without sexual expectation. This means serving your spouse in a selfless way. I would also recommend you pay special attention to hugging and kissing… let me explain.
Hugging your spouse without sexual expectation conveys a tender love, it can show how much you care for one another. Finally, kissing is very important. Kissing ranges from pecks on the cheek to full blown french kissing. Kissing is a passionate and intimate activity. Gauging your kisses for both the loving gesture and the heavy romance will only add to your overall physical intimacy.
#2 – Building Emotional Intimacy.
If you search “how to have great sex” on google, many of the articles related to the answer will deal with developing some kind of “stronger intimacy”. This is to say, you have to get emotionally closer.
One of the major issues surrounding the sexual experience is emotional closeness. If you can cultivate a strong sense of emotional intimacy, you will have a better sexual experience. So what is emotional intimacy?
Simply, emotional intimacy means emotional closeness. Emotional closeness is determined by emotional vulnerability and trust.
The more you can trust your partner with your vulnerabilities, the better your sexual experience will be. This is because sex is more than a physical experience. This is also why the best sex happens later into your marriage.
#3 – Building Trust
Trust, trust, trust. I cannot emphasize this issue enough. Your ability to trust your partner will critically define what your physical and emotional relationship will look like. Emotional intimacy leads to physical intimacy. This means that your ability to connect emotionally to your partner is critically important. In our American society, where people value individuality and sexual prowess, we can fail to see the value in monogamy and emotional stability. However, I cannot express how important building trust is in relation to developing a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Sex is best experienced when a strong emotional relationship has been established over an extended period of time and with one person.
The rationale here is simple. Your emotional relationship defines your physical relationship.
So how do you do this?
- Learn to listen well and be able to articulate what you have heard.
- Be consistent. Stability is an indicator of trustworthiness.
- Say what you mean. Being passive aggressive signals distrust.
Again, I cannot stress the importance of building trust enough. See my article “How to have the best trust ever” to understand this in more detail.
#4 – Honoring One Another
When thinking of your physical relationship with your spouse, one of the things I have shared with couples over the years is the necessity of honoring one another.
Honoring your spouse looks like respecting, communicating, and esteeming each other.
Much can be said about how married couples make assumptions around sexual expectations of their spouse. People come to marriage from a variety of experiences. Some grow up in homes where they learned principles of purity and abstinence. Some people grow up in more secular environments where they are encouraged to be promiscuous. Some have had no experience with pornography where others have grown up with porn addictions. People come from these backgrounds and then export their expectations on their partners. As you can imagine, it does not work out well.
When developing a physical, sexually intimate relationship with your spouse, strive to consider how to offer as much respect and esteem as possible. Offering respect and esteem to your spouse looks like rejecting the societal norms in our hyper-sexed culture.
Showing respect in your sexual relationship looks like developing a communicative and trust based relationship with your spouse. It looks like asking them what they are comfortable with and not making assumptions.
Finally, esteeming your spouse is about respect and admiration. I have tried to help couples think through this by way of asking them this question “Does my motive for and actions of sexual interaction with my spouse dignifty or degrade them?” The answer to these questions are defined by an agreement between the couple. Taking the time to understand each other is showing respect and esteem for one another.
Summary
Human sexuality was designed to bring couples closer together in relationships. In this way, sex is one of the major tools for developing intimacy as a couple. When we understand sex in this way, we can better cultivate relationship and work toward experiencing the best sex possible. At my church the Orchard Community Church, in Escondido, we work hard in the way of developing these kinds of relationships among couples.